An Attempt At Staying On Topic
by The Stupendous Jimbo
Summary: After being abused for the hundredth time by the crazy author, Roy finally puts his foot down and fires him once and for all. Little did he know, he would face the horrors of finding a new author to portray his character. From then on out, it gets ugly...


Author: Yyyup, I've been gone for quite a while due to college, and here I am, writing another one-shot. To be honest this story was originally going to be a crack fic about children's stories, but it ended up shifting into complete left field. For that, I warn you right now: this story gets a liiitle crazy. I'm not referring to the other stuff where it just gets completely random, I mean this story gets really weird…Even for me...So I hope you still enjoy it, nonetheless.

By the way, the contest is still on, and I've been going through the entrances and what not, and honestly it's been getting hard to decide who the winner is, but hopefully I should get more entrances! I had a lot of people saying they'd enter, but I've only received a handful of stories, so I hope people haven't forgotten about the contest!

**An Attempt at Staying On Topic**

As the time passed by without a sound of acknowledgement, the slender man lied back on his chair, slacking his jaws to release a yawn. It had been a long day for Roy, and to say the mood was somber would be an understatement, considering the long trip home. Upon stumbling into his self replicated shrine, he decided to entertain his urge for relaxation by giving his legs a break. Upon panning his eyes through the musty old wasteland he considered home, Roy flipped his arms through the air and nodded to himself. "So _that's _what they meant when they advised me to pick up before leaving…And here I was, thinking it would only be a week."

It was true, when Roy received the invitation to join a local fighting tournament, he figured he'd pack a sandwich and be home by dinner. Unfortunately for him, that bitch of a wife doesn't know how to MAKE A FUCKING SANDWIC-

"DAMMIT JIMBO!"

He silently cursed to himself. "No, no, NO! This is going to be an innocent story. Got it? Innocent, In-no-cent, comprende?"

Huh?

"This is not going to turn out to be one of those stories where the character has _another_ conversation with the author, and have _another _cynical adaptation of the story, and end up with _another_ out of control fic! This is going to be serious, got it?"

But aren't you-

"No! You're going to be a good narrator this time!"

Why?

"IT'S OLD!"

…Okay…

"Now repeat after me!"

…Okay…

"I…"

I.

"The Stupendous Jimbo,"

The Stupendous Jimbo,

"Will not ruin this story,"

Will not ruin this story,

"And break the fourth wall."

Umm yeah…About tha-

"And break the fourth wall!" He repeated.

…Ugh…And break the fourth wall…

"And narrate the story in a proper context that's suitable for children."

"No…"

"Say it."

Alright, now what?

"Now type it."

…Really? But I just dropped the F bomb!

"I don't care, type it!"

Alright fine, it.

"…Jimbo…"

….And narrate teh story in a proper context that's suitable for children…

"Really, did you just do that?"

Really, did you ju-

"No seriously, look at that line…You just made a typo!"

Big deal, it's not like this is going to be the next Lord of the Rings!

"No, I mean you could have easily copied and pasted that last sentence…"

…

"Alright that's it…"

Right…

Knowing the publicity rate, or lack of, has reached an all time high, the overly descriptive red head with overly descriptive ocean blue eyes, because that's the only feature people really care about now-a-days, figured the best course of action was to end this God forsaken excuse of a performance and fire that idiot of an au…thor….Wait, what?

"That's right, you're fired!"

Whoa, whoa, whoa, how does that even work?

"Simple, get out!"

No, I mean how do you fire an author?

"By dismissing them and finding a new one."

But I'm writing this!

"Not anymore, you're fired," he crossed his arms with the satisfaction of a long awaited victory.

But isn't that…You know…Illegal?

"Nope, according to the Character Autonomy Proclamation, the characters in a piece of fiction are granted the aptitude of liberating themselves from the profligacy of dissipation by dismissing the current operator under the suspicion of threatening sovereignty."

What the hell does that mean?

"It means I, the character in your piece of work, have deemed you as a precarious hazard and a threat to sovereignty, therefore you're dismissed."

…Wow, umm…Touché…

"Exactly, so here's what's going to happen, your role as the author has been relinquished, therefore you are to narrate the story written by another author."

Who's the author?

"A name that shall not be revealed yet, so from now on just narrate the story as it is written."

Alrighty, sure thing.

"Now continue…"

Ahem…the sexy redhead with deep ocean blue eyes that make me go absolutely _crazy _at the sight of them shrugged off the empty feeling of no longer being married. It was alright with him; after all, ever since Ike moved in that old, abandoned house down the street, Roy couldn't help but pick on that strange feeling that he knew him. As he paced around his cluttered house, two things rummaged through his mind: the urge to pick up the house, and the inquiry of the sudden magnetic force that drove through him.

"Wait a second," Roy said upon reaching an epiphany. "Did you just say I have a sense of magnetism for…Ike?"

Yyyup, and it also says after you pick up the house, you decide to take a shower.

"…What the hell is that?"

Well according to the author of this story, apparently you've magically prescribed yourself with the knowledge of modern day technology.

"But I still live in the middle ages; I don't even know what the hell a magnet is!"

Not my fault the author jumped the gun…

"Alright fine, skip over a few pages, this is boring,"

He undressed himself and turned the shower on, clamoring at the icy touch of the cold wind as he waited for the water to warm up. When the water was warm, he jumped in and started scrubbing himself. The next thing he knew, he began seeing images of Ike; his muscular arms, his deep blue hair, frizzing in all directions like a free spirit, his deep blue eyes, his soft voice, which would transcend from a haunting whiff of calm, but also linked with concern. The more he thought about it, the bigger his bo….Tch…_snicker_…

"Huh…"

…Teehee…

"What is going on?"

The more he thought about it, the bigger his…

"Go on…"

…You're getting a bon-

"WHAT THE HELL?"

HAHAHAHAHAHA

"SHUT UP, THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"

YOU REPLACED ME WITH A FAN GIRL, BUWAHAHA!

"GOT DAMMIT IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

So Roy, how do you feel about those "big, muscular arms?" Do you feel tingly inside when you imagine them wrapped around your slender, naked body?

"I swear I'll…"

OH you'll LOVE this! Okay, okay, he silently groaned out loud as he imagined his burly arms wrapping around him like a blanket, rubbing his firm chest against his, as he anticipated their bodies unifying as one in the name of love!

"WHO THE HELL WROTE THAT?"

Well obviously the better author, after all, I was replaced.

He growled, silently tumbling through his conflicting thoughts while at the same time resisting the pounding urge to admit his mistake. "You know what; I think I can handle it…"

Are you sure?

"Yeah, after all it's only a shower fantasy...That's all…"

Do you want me to skip ahead?

"Please…"

Alright…Ahem, he spoke silently, "Roy, I missed you…" It was a silent whisper, yet it had emotions to it, almost as if the wind was speaking to him. "Ike, I missed you too," he replied as they continued to embrace each other.

"It's just a reunion!" Roy blurted out, suddenly.

Huh?

"We haven't seen each other, and we were umm…Friends! At the tournament! You know, we haven't seen each other, and we're just finally meeting up? You know?"

Yeah, yeah, I gotcha. Anyways, they continued to embrace each other as Roy let out a sigh of relief. "I thought I'd never see you,"

"See? I told you! We haven't seen each other!"

… "Me too," Ike muttered as they leaned in closer for a long awaited-

"MIDDLE AGES! GUYS DID THAT ALL THE TIME!"

Jeez, somebody's in denial…

"I know what it looks like, but I swear! This was something guys did in the middle ages!"

Riiight…He smiled seductively at the red head, reminiscing in the days when they were free to cherish each other without the threat of persecution. But they knew they were finally alone; finally free to express their true selves. The great warrior reached his burly arms over to gently take Roy's shirt off. "Let me help you with that," he said. He giggled as he raised his arms, feeling the shreds of clothe gently slip away from him, only to be greeted by the cold of the night…Okay, how do you explain that?

Roy blushed. "Umm…It was night time, and Ike was umm…Spending the night?"

Oookayyy….

"And umm…He was helping me get my shirt off?"

Go on…

"And also he's…Nice…?"

Roy….

"…Come on, just keep going!"

…He lifted his headband, to reveal his-

"OKAY STOP!"

What?

"WHO EVER WROTE THAT IS FIRED!"

Oh jeez, what now?

"We find another author, and then we'll stick to that!"

Was Ike too much for you?

"Dude, I'm not like that!"

According to this author you are.

"Okay, okay, fine, what ever, just read the next story!"

…Alright…I'm having trouble making this out…

"Just do your best…"

Umm…Roy captado espada y punto de Ike con sonrisa-

"In English!"

Oh sorry, I forgot to set the Language tab to English…I thought something was up…

"Oh for the love of…Okay, try this one!"

You're really desperate, aren't you? …Eh, fine, whatever. Alright, he took a deep breath after he finished cleaning his home. He wished he had taken heed of the notice he received about cleaning the area before leaving, because of how long the trip would last. Unfortunately for Roy, the trip did not last a week, more like 6 months. He also never considered the vast changes he would endure while on his 6 month escapade, but here he was, sitting down on a wooden chair, staring blankly at the ceiling.

He began flashing memories of the friends he met, of the battles he fought, and the joys he had. Never had he experienced such pleasures in his life, and now it was over. His friends, whom he promised to write every day, were gone. He wasn't quite sure what the talking hands meant when they mentioned a fourth dimension, but apparently it meant that Marth, Luigi, Ike, Mario, and everybody he hung out with, were all in another world.

When it finally occurred to him that he'd never see his friends again, he felt saddened, almost to the point of tears. Finding no other way to reason with his pain, he took his sword out, and held it in front of his face. Now staring coldly at the blade, he extended his arm out and gently glided it across his wrist, wrenching in pain as the crimson blood flew out-

"Oh come on, really?"

What's wrong?

The irritant swordsman crossed his arms "So now I'm emo…"

Evidentially so…

"…Seriously, is there one story where I'm not portrayed as gay, emo, or downright angry?"

Well according to this other story, you're beating the hell out of Peach because nobody likes her, and she brought it on herself.

"Wow…Does _anybody _know my personality?"

Dude, this is fanfiction. The only people who know anything remotely close to you are the ones who played Fire Emblem…

"So? It's not like my personality is complicated! I'm actually an interesting character!"

Dude, you're a stock character! You were forced from your studies to pursue war, and the whole time you're always some optimistic naïve dumbass who attracts nearly every damn woman in your game!

"Cause I'm a nice guy!"

No, because you're fifteen and you're overpowered, and you have to be the most oblivious character in the whole entire series!

"What's that supposed to mean?"

6 girls, dude! You attract 6 girls, and you have absolutely no idea that they want you, including the one you swore to protect!

"Oh…Well how does that explain me being over powered?"

You constantly have above average stats throughout your whole entire game until the end where you get so overpowered; you might as well not fight! Not to mention you're the bastard child of a guy who married three freaking women, including a dragon!

"Then I could be part dragon! That's sexy, huh?"

…Ninian was an ice dragon, dude…

"And?"

Your fighting style revolves around fire…

"….So?"

…Doesn't it creep you out that your dad banged a dragon? I mean dude, they aren't the same species…

"My dad had skills with the ladies, as did I! And what does that have to do with my personality?"

Roy…Your dad had AIDS…

"…Shut up…"

Therefore,

"Don't finish that…"

Soooo…Shall I read the next story?

"…Why the hell not, I mean they can't make it worse than it already is…"

Suddenly as Roy began to relax, the Ice Climbers ran in and danced around him in circles!

"Royyyy!" They called. "We're going to Candy Mountain, Roy!"

"OH HELL NO!"

Jesus, dude, what now?

"NOT THAT ONE!"

…I'm not going to get through this story, am I?

"Next!"

Fine…

Roy: OMG GUYZ THIS IS SUUUU KOOL

Marht: What iz it?

Roy: Okay, so I was walking around the halls, and out of NOEWHERE Samus was…

Matrth: Was what?

Roy: Dude, she was totally NAKED!"

MArth: OMG THAT'S SO GROSS! U KNO I'M GAY!

Roy: O Mat you rea-

"Jimbo…What the hell, man?"

What?

"…Couldn't you have skimmed through it?"

Maybe…

"…You're still angry about the whole getting fired thing, huh?"

Hmm….

"…Alright, one last story…"

Alright. The three danced in joy as they happily skipped along the singing flowers as they made their way through the…Oh you gotta be kidding me…

"What is it?"

…The Forrest of Feelings?

"…Huh…?"

Yeah…

"…What is this story about?"

…According to the summary, when a giant monster invades Iscicle Mountain, it is up to Roy, Ice Climbers, and Yoshi to travel the land in a fun filled adventure to save the world…

"…What in the heck…Fun filled adventure?"

Yyyup…

"…Iscicle Mountain? Isn't it Icicle?"

Nobody really spell checks their summaries…

"I know, but still…Isn't that part of the curriculum?"

Shall I continue?

"Hmm…Sure, why not?"

Okay. **SCENE CHANGE!**

"Wait a second, they really have to point that out?"

Apparently so. I guess the readers are so stupid they can't figure it out when the story shifts scenes.

"Oh great! What else?

**From Roy's POV**

"YOU MEAN THE READERS ARE TOO STUPID TO FIGURE THAT OUT AS WELL?"

I guess…

"What kind of idiot does that?"

Youuu'd be surprised…

"…Ugh, fine, continue…"

"Alright Roy," The sunflower said,

"Hold it!"

What now?

"The sunflower is talking?"

According to this fun filled adventure, it is.

"…Ughhhh." He groaned as the story continued.

"First you're going to travel through the Forrest of Feelings," the sunflower said.

"U-huh," he said in a bored tone.

"Then you're going to climb the Hills of Happiness,"

"Yyup…"

"And after that, you'll make your way through the Final Procrastination…"

"Final…Procrastination?"

"Yeah, it's still under construction..."

"…Was the author of this story under the influence of any paraphernalia or any other form of illegal substances while writing this piece of work?"

Most likely…

"…So what next?"

You travel through the land of gumdrops and silly string while singing the fun filled adventure song…

"…Oh boy…"

Wanna hear how it goes?

"No, that's quite alri-

_Ohhhhhhhh It's a fun filled adventure for the four of us,_

_We're skipping, singing, dancing filled with happiness,_

_Oh we're laughing like the children at the big circus,_

_It's a journey filled with pleasure, endless cheeriness!_

The angered warrior gently sank his forehead into his palm as he listened to Yoshi and the Ice Climbers sing gallantly into the air. He wasn't surprised when everything around him started singing a back up harmony as the entire environment jumped in.

"Whyyyy…." He groaned.

Hey man, you asked for it.

"Now I miss being emo…"

That can be arranged.

"No, just no…" He held his free arm up, without giving a moment to look around. "I'll just stick to the land of unprecedented bliss and complete ignorance towards the reality of life…"

Meaning?

"I'm going to pretend I'm on an actual adventure…Besides, what kind of monster am I up against?"

"Oh! He's a _scaaarrry _monster!" Nana screamed out loud.

"He's _ferocious!_ Like left over meatloaf!" Popo added on.

Roy, do you still-

"I got this," he interrupted.

"Yoshi!" Yoshi screamed, which means that the monster was scary, but I'm writing it out as Yoshi because that's how Yoshi speaks. I don't really know this, but from what everybody else is writing it _must _be true that this is how Yoshi speaks.

"Hey at least he's not eating evey…Ho…Ly…Shit…"

To Roy's horror, Yoshi grew a sudden appetite accompanied by the craving for human flesh. The next thing he realized Yoshi had dug into a now screaming Popo, whose half eaten leg spewed out blood like a waterfall. Nana let out an ear splitting scream as Yoshi flashed his teeth to let out a roar.

"Umm Jimbo…How much drugs did the author of this story take?"

I don't know, but this is getting good!

"Dude, I want out!" He cried.

"Yoshi! How could you?" Nana screamed. Suddenly Yoshi leered his now illuminant red eyes towards the frightened child and launched Popo's mangled corpse at her. Suddenly in a flash Nana had disintegrated into the mouth of the crazed dinosaur.

"Oh dear God!" Roy screamed. "What the hell is your problem?"

Suddenly the murderous creature belched out the remains of his fallen friends, and he knew this fun filled adventure was nothing more than a scam. He looked down at the clump of coalesced feces which now lay deceased at his feat. It was a great indescribable scarlet mass of limbs that end in strange appendages that were far too oddly shaped and corrupted by the violent onslaught of saliva contributed to the lacerations of their pale skins. Hastily, he began to rummage through the creature's folded and apparently boneless limbs and extremities in search of a hidden set of eyes, possibly a mouth or anything to suggest that their survival could be attributed to anything but chance or seclusion, but to no avail. The deranged Yoshi snarled at the warrior, preparing to charge.

"Umm Jimbo…"

Yes, Roy?

"Could you please change the story?"

I'm not sure if that's possible, after all, I was fired…

"Oh _come on_, really?"

Hey, I didn't write this…

"I don't care who ever did was obviously doped up on five kilos of Chrystal Meth when they started this!"

Sooo?

The murderous Yoshi lowered his head and scratched the dirt in a slow, repeated motion, preparing to charge.

"Jimbo, for the love of all things holy, get me out of here!"

I can't, according to the Character Autonomy Proclamation; the characters in a piece of fiction are granted the aptitude of liberating themselves from the profligacy of dissipation by dismissing the current operator under the suspicion of threatening sovereignty. And because I was a threat to your so-called sovereignty, I was dismissed. Re-mem-ber?

"Oh Jesus, dude, you can't be serious!"

I wish I could help you…

He yelped as he dived out of the way, mortified to see the Yoshi tearing into an agonized sunflower.

"Okay, okay, I take it back!"

Take what back?

"The whole firing thing!"

Ohhh?

"I mean, you're not fired!"

How can you be sure? After all, the Autonomy Proclamation was official, right?

"It's repealed now heeeelllp!"

What's the magic word?

"I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

Now that's not nice.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Oh fine…Suddenly the raging Yoshi was no longer mad at Roy.

"Phew…Thanks…"

But he could not help but released his suppressed anxiety to show his affection for him.

"Huh?

Suddenly he nudged the astonished Roy gently, letting out a gentle purr.

"Umm Jimbo…What is this?"

Ohhh nothing…

The Yoshi rubbed his head against Roy's cheeks while releasing low humming sounds.

"Nothing?"

Juuust a little revenge…

He could not help it any longer, he long awaited Roy's touch, and he knew before the end of the day, he will receive his long awaited affection.

"…Aww crap…"

Good night, Roy.

"God…Damn…You…Asshole!"

Author: The best way to explain this is that I managed to fuse my sick personality with my playful side. Seriously, I wanted to be really, really playful when writing this, but it ended up getting a little disturbing. I hope you guys still liked it, and as always, I'd appreciate a review or two, good or bad! Until next time!


End file.
